Habit-building can feel like such a tricky thing to do. It can seem daunting and overwhelming. Thankfully, there are useful questions therapists ask their clients, that are effective in helping build new habits, and they are all right here.
Different sorts of questions are helpful for different phases of the habit-building process. Breaking habit-building down into a series of manageable phases can lessen that feeling of overwhelm and help you keep mindful of taking things a step at a time, all while making tangible progress towards your goals.
I have broken these questions down to fit into 5 phases of the habit-building process: Self-Validation Phase, Vision-Building Phase, Short-Term Benefit Phase, Planning Phase, and Backup Phase.
Before getting into what these phases are, here are helpful tips as to how to ask these questions:
(1) It is generally useful to ask yourself these questions in order of the phase they belong too, though of course you can revisit an older phase if it can be helpful. Remember, to keep momentum in building a habit, dwelling on one phase over the others may not be helpful.
(2) Ask yourself these questions with loving-kindness and a sense of curiosity towards yourself. This is actually more effective and motivating than asking yourself these questions in a harsh or critical manner.
1. Self-Validation Questions
These questions are designed to clear emotional blockages that get in the way of habit-building before you get started. The ironic thing is that the more we resist our emotions, even negative ones, it becomes more difficult to change. We become ready for change when we validate our emotions first.
What makes building a habit unpleasant or scary for me? What emotions does the unknown make me feel? When I am feeling these emotions, what needs of mine are going unmet? What negative thoughts are going through my head, and where do they come from? What is bothering me about not changing?
2. Vision-Building Questions
These questions help you focus on the big picture and the purpose behind building your habit. They provide a clear sense of direction. This helps keep us motivated, and prevent us from seeing habit-building merely as a banal chore with no meaningful end in sight.
What goal would I like to achieve by building this habit? If I can build this habit, what would I be able to do more of in my life? What would I like to be able to feel? How would I be living the life I value with this new habit? What would be the long-term benefits?
3. Short-Term Benefit Questions
While it is motivating to have a vision, these questions allow us to focus on the process rather than the mere outcome by reminding us to reap the benefits of the process along the way.
What is the short-term benefit of starting work on this habit? What are some of the more immediate rewards of working even on the first step towards my goal? What values would I be living by working on this habit now? What are the cons of being an expert?
In the vision-building phase, we asked “What would I like to be able to feel?” Take those feelings you identified, and in this phase, ask yourself, “How would it help me to start feeling this way now?” Starting with the feeling makes it easier to go towards your goal.
4. Planning Questions
These questions help us turn our goal into a tangible reality and keep the momentum going. Focusing on breaking it down and moving towards the first step, rather than getting caught up on how the outcome should look like, will help prevent overwhelm.
How was I able to successfully build a habit before? How can I take what I did and apply it to building a new habit? What is an achievable first step? When and where will I complete this first step? How can I measure my progress? How would I demonstrate my commitment?
5. Backup Questions
It is perfectly natural that we do not initially succeed. In fact, it is expected that when beginning a new habit, we will be doing it far from perfect. These questions will help us to see “errors” and “mistakes” as learning opportunities, and remind us to be compassionate towards ourselves.
What do I stand to benefit even from having tried and not succeeding at first? What have I accomplished even when it did not turn out the way I wanted? What good things does it show about me? How does this “mistake” inform me the next time I try? What is a compassionate way I can talk with myself after a “mistake”? How can I encourage myself to continue on?
In Conclusion
Think about something you have challenged yourself to do. People often find the real rewards is all in the tangible, day-to-day experience of pursuing what they want, even the struggles along the way.
I leave you with a final question to ask yourself: “Have you tried something before, and things turned out not quite the way you expected but in a positive way?” Best of luck on building a new habit, and remember to enjoy the journey!
