The feeling of lack ends once genuine curiosity and wonderment for the world begins. I had lived with a lifelong feeling of lack before. I had felt I had to continually make up for what I lack, or make myself unthink what I lack. But in either case, my mind would be focused on what is missing in my life. Whether I obtained my goals successfully or not, put in the work for them or not, the feeling of lack is like a shadow peering behind my back, keeping me on edge.
Then there were periods of my life in which I was more attuned each moment with curiosity and wonderment for the world, and I noticed the feeling of lack vanished without having to directly unearth it. Rather than trying to stop that feeling, I focused instead on attuning to the world with curiosity and wonderment, starting in small ways. When I find myself immersed in this new world as if it is a glowing globe in front of me, before I even noticed it, I find the haunting shadow of lack long gone.
It was as if the mindset of lack were oil and the mindset of curiosity and wonder were water. I do not need to remove the oil, but pour in the water. The feeling of lack cannot persist the more and more curious I got of the world in front of me. When I bring myself in touch with wonderment for the world, the anxious inner tension that the feeling of lack lugs with it softens up into a feeling of openness. With curiosity and wonderment, my soul comes alive.
My first realization of the gift of being in state of curiosity and wonder happened when I was in a midst of a deep depression, at a time I was burdened by everything I lacked in my life. I had just quit a doctoral program, which I had put in hard work and sacrifice for years to get into. I found it unbearable to feel I was not on the right path for years, and to find myself in low-level work in a negative environment.
But one day, while being stressed hearing the boss screaming at everyone in the background, I started to attend to the things I physically saw in front of me with curiosity and wonder, even the most banal things at my workplace. What I found myself immersed in was a beautiful world of peace and tranquility—and I smiled. My outer situation, which had felt insufferable, did not change at all, but internally I began to feel full. This experience lasted for months.
Afterwards, I found myself spiraling back into a feeling of lack again. This time, a sense of lack expressed itself as “maximizing potential” for my strengths and “making up” for my weaknesses. From the standpoint of lack, I kept fixating on where I was in my progress, and kept measuring out where I should be. I kept seeing how far I am from where I want to be, self-conscious of my progress. I thought this would help motivate me, but this mindset ultimately was a wormhole draining me of energy, exhausting me and grounding my progress to a halt. Having to complete yourself is too dark a world to be in in order to thrive.
Then when I turned back to a world curiosity and wonder, the shadow of lack retracted on its own as if it were allergic to it. I started to realize curiosity and wonder for the world extended beyond the immediate physical in life. When I approach everything from mundane tasks to my highest goals in life with curiosity and wonder, naturally I have more motivation, energy, and intelligence to do them.
With curiosity and wonder in what I was doing in itself, a new world emerges. The drive of intrinsic interest towards what I did, whether big or small, made the self-conscious questions “Where am I at in the grand scheme of things?” or “Where am I at in this particular area in my life?” naturally less appealing. I focused on what I am doing in itself, and in how I can understand more of it. With this philosophy, even starting from zero in an unfamiliar area was an exciting opportunity rather than a daunting task, because I saw how much I get to learn, rather than fixate on where I needed to be.
Without having to measure progress or make it happen, progress happens more naturally and smoothly on its own. It is not about consciously making something go fast or go slow, for when you are invested in what you are doing with curiosity and wonder, the question of speed in which to do things naturally becomes much less interesting than doing the thing in itself. Progress became less halting, pressured, and less of an overconsuming idea, and instead becomes more about a simple intrinsic desire to get better. And looking back, you’ll be surprised by the amount of progress made without deliberately making it happen.
Rather than force myself to be 100% in a state of curiosity and wonder, I acknowledge the presence of the feeling of lack and open up space for it. I then sprinkle in small ways of showing bits of curiosity and wonder in what I do, like watering a plant. This makes the process a whole lot easier for me, causing curiosity and wonder to grow little by little over time. Tending to a tree well requires patience, as overwatering it comes from the feeling of lack.
Developing a sense of curiosity and wonder in yourself, like growing a tree, is a slow process, but what seems like a small, fragile twig barely making its way out of the ground will grow upwards into a robust, powerful, and solid giant over time. When a sense of curiosity and wonder becomes more internalized, it like a tree that anchors its roots deeper into fertile soil with time.
In watering your tree, you will find yourself forgetting the question “When?” more naturally overtime, and appreciating more bearing witness to the trees’ growth itself. However imperceptible or seemingly unmoving the growth is day by day, the wise gardener no longer waits in anticipation but becomes enveloped in a world of awe and wonder in the beauty of presence.
—Dedicated to ACT Therapy
