It is every year I wake up bit by bit. Each year comes by and I wake up more, and yet I still slumber deep in my sleep, deep in my hibernation. What I mean by this is that I look back at my behaviors, back 5 years ago, back 10 years ago, and I find them strange. I may wonder, “What was I thinking? Why in the world I would do those things?” It was as if those years in the past I was asleep somehow, never fully awake, never fully alive. I realize everyone is the same in that they look back in time, and they find themselves strange, as if they are looking back at a stranger, except that stranger is their old past self.
I predict that in the future, perhaps another 10 years from now, I would find the thoughts and beliefs that I hold now, and my concerns and actions to be odd and out of place. In 10 years, I will be sighing again, “What was I thinking? Why in the world would I do those things?” How I am now would seem to my future self to be on autopilot, as if I were in a coma, but happened to have the freedom to move around and act. Every year I wake up bit by bit.
Everyone is partially asleep and you are partially asleep too. To say that you are wide awake would be presumptuous—you may feel wide-awake but your future self would laugh at that notion like you are a naïve child. We live on a continuum between unconsciousness and consciousness, and this continuum extends indefinitely. Progression towards consciousness goes back and forth in life, as there are times in our lives when we regress. As we start out our lives as children, we are very much unconscious—you look back at those years and it seems like back then you were even living in a dream. In fact, it can feel the same when you look back at any past period of your life. Slowly you start to become more aware of yourself over time.
As a child you were a seed, a flower that is unrealized. It takes a lifetime for the seed to figure itself out, to gain full consciousness of its reason for being—to realize itself. So be forgiving of yourself. Whatever wrong you commit you commit out of ignorance, out of a lack of consciousness. This does not mean that we do not have responsibility—it actually means that we have a big responsibility—and that responsibility is to gain full consciousness and full understanding. It is the responsibility of learning life lessons. Full consciousness and self-understanding are things we cannot claim to possess, though they are things we are always to be on the road to, as we expand our consciousness and move up toward our own awakening.
It is argued that shame can be a motivator to do good and avoid bad. I believe guilt can be a motivator but not a very healthy one, and it should not be the primary motivator. It is a natural emotion to experience, so it is okay to let yourself feel it. However, when it festers and becomes a primary motivator, it does not work, as it is terribly wounding, therefore tiring us in the effort to reach consciousness. Much more energy would be preserved and better used if we can recognize that our weaknesses are due to our being unconscious, and then take the responsibility of directing our energies towards becoming conscious, which is a more positive process.
I like to think there is a wondrous journey of self-development waiting to unfold before me, and the treasures of self-realization and awakening lie ahead. If we view ourselves as to-be flowers that are blossoming towards fuller consciousness, we can see learning from our mistakes as an engaging, constructive process of growth and becoming, rather than as a severe, destructive process of self-chastisement. Allow shame to come, but allow it to pass to make way for our responsibility for self-awakening.
You may look at your past actions and ask yourself “What was I thinking? Why was I slumbering unconsciously?” But be hopeful and patient, and remember you are on the process of realizing and awakening yourself to full living, and you are not going to “get it” and be enlightened right away. You cannot even claim your current self is fully awake. So be forgiving of yourself, for self-forgiveness and taking responsibility are not mutually exclusive. Each day forgive yourself and meditate on this: What is one small thing I can do to awaken a bit more today? You were a seed and now on its way to realize its full self as a flower. The flower of self-realization does not unfold overnight—it takes day by day to slowly and patiently bring it grow, open, and blossom.
